hermione's mysterious death
by Sadsugar
Summary: When Hermione mysteriously dies while pregnant with his baby, how far will Ron go to find out the truth? very ooc.


**Hey everybody! wow i'm really excited-my first story ever. i would just like to point out that i had no idea what i was thinking when we wrote this story. but i hope you like it anyway---maybe it will make you laugh! Have fun!**

**Bold: story**

Normal: us

Finding the Answers

**It was the7th year for Harry. It was also the 7th year for Ron and coincidentally it was the 7th year for Hermione. Ginny was in her 6th year **(but that doesn't matter because she's not in this story)**. Ron and Hermione were together. When Hermione found out she was pregnant with Ron's baby she killed herself. She knew that Ron was having an affair with Lavender Brown because that's what makes this story interesting. **

**Ron was sad. That's what happens when your girlfriend dies. You're sad, usually. When he found out she was pregnant he was even sadder because he wouldn't have a bushy red-haired child. When he thought about this he realized that he didn't want a bushy red-haired child and felt slightly less sad. But he was still sad because his girlfriend had just died. That's what happens when your girlfriend dies. You're sad, usually. When he found out Hermione was pregnant…**

**Anyway, Ron was sad, and Harry was sad because Ron was sad and Ron was his friend. Because that's what you do when your friend is sad, you're sad too. Harry wanted to make Ron feel less sad because that's what you do when you're a friend. So Harry bought Ron a book. Not just any book. This was a special book. This made Ron feel less sad because that's how you feel when your girlfriend just died. Sad, usually. When he found out she was pregnant…**

**But that's not important because I've already said that. It was a Chudley Cannons book. It reminded Ron of Hermione, because she liked book, but she didn't like the Chudley cannons, before she was dead of course. Thinking about her made Ron feel sad. Because that's what u do when your girlfriend dies, you feel sad, usually. As Ron read the book, it reminded him more and more of Hermione. This made him confused instead of sad. This is how you feel when your girlfriend dies, usually**. But I've said that like 5 times so I'm going to shut up, no actually I'm not going to shut up. You can just skip it. No actually don't skip it, you're skipping it, I know it! You fat moron! I bet your fat, you sound fat. I bet your house is fat too. But that's a good thing so I bet your house is skinny, but you're still fat and that's all that matters. Anyway I'm going to go on with the story right about now…

**Anyway, whenever the book said "you fucking moron, why can't you score a fucking goal!" a voice shouted out in indignation, "don't swear, you fucking bastard!" this voice was very English. **Unlike mine because I fat children of the world, am Australian**. This reminded him of Hermione's voice (**hint, hint).** Ron was extremely confused. More confused than he was before. So he decided to trace where the book had come from. He was now… (**Dah dah dah**!)…Petective Ronald!**(Yes I did spell it correctly-he was a paper detective)

**Chapter 2: The adventures of Petective Ronald**

**First Ron went to Harry. Then he went to the bookshop Harry had bought the book from. Because that's where you buy books my fat children. Petective Ron was on the move. He went to the publishers and they told him where the paper had come from. So he went to the paper factory and they told him where the trees had come from because to make paper you need trees. **And that my fat children is a fact of life. (Like the man in the moon died in 1924 and mars bars come from mars.) **Coincidently the tree plantation where the trees had come from was called the great tree plantation (aka the granger plantation) **but that's not important right now. It's important in like 5 seconds. 1… 2…. 3…. 4… 5.** Granger was Hermione's last name. This made Ron think of Hermione. This made Ron sad. Because that's how you feel when your girlfriend dies. You feel sad, usually. When Ron found out Hermione was pregnant… (Haven't done that for a while)**

**Ron put G-R-A-N-G-E-R together and amazingly got granger. He then put 1+2 together and decided to go to the granger plantation. **

**On the way there, Ron stopped to get a beer. Because he felt sad. Because that's how you feel when your girlfriend dies. You feel sad, usually. After he was sufficiently drunk, Ron met up with lavender Brown. And fulfilled his subdued urges. Because that's what happens when your girlfriend dies. You have urges, usually. So that's why Ron hooked up with Lavender Brown. But he was already with Lavender brown, so he just met up with her. After his encounter with lavender, Ron felt rather tired and dizzy. But he decided to move on to the granger plantation. Coincidently the address was the same as Hermione's. Thinking about her made Ron feel sad. Because that's how you feel when your girlfriend dies. You feel sad, usually. When Ron found out Hermione was pregnant…**

**Ron met up with Mr. and Mrs. Granger at the Granger plantation. He was very surprised that they were there. But he decided to talk to them. **

"**Hello Mr. and Mrs. Granger. You remind me of Hermione, and that makes me sad. Because that's how you feel when your girlfriend dies. You're sad. Usually. **

"**Hello, Petective Ronald. You remind us of our daughter, Hermione. And that makes us sad. Because that's how you feel when your daughter dies. Sad, usually."**

"**Who sent you? Why are you staring at me like that?" Mrs. Granger said.  
'Because you're so beautiful.' Ron thought. But he decided not to say that because it might sound perverted. **And perversion is a very bad thing, fat children of the world.

"**Well whatever you think we're not tree heroes saving the world from tree fighting terrorists!"**

'**I never thought that."**

"**Don't lie to me I'll shoot you with my Tree2000!"**

"**I thought you were dentists!"**

"**Yeah that's what I said Teeth2000! Now get out!"**

**Ron decided to do some petecting because Ron was a Petective and that's what you do when you're a Petective, you petect. He decided to go petect the trees. He saw a stump of a tree with the face of Hermione carved on it. Ron was confused. First he put H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E together and got Hermione. Then he put 5+5 together and got 10 and then he put 2+2 together and realized Hermione had reincarnated as a tree. And they had sent the tree off to the paper factory and then the tree had been turned into the Chudley cannons book which coincidently was the exact one Harry bought to made Ron feel less sad. Because that's what you do when you're a friend. You make you're friend feel less sad because when their sad, your sad, usually. **And that's what friendship is, my fat children…sadness.

**And so, Petective Ronald cracked the case of the swearing book. (**This oddly reminded him of Hermione**). This made him feel sad. Because you feel sad when your girlfriend dies, usually. **(This is such an anti-climax. Who the hell is writing this shit? OMG THE KEYBOARD IS GOING CRAZY! HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! HELP!vsxzhvgiuwsbwd1 345d2wsg4rtikd2wsg4rtik68t

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Sorry for the inconvenience. We were experiencing technical difficulties. we now return you to the normal programming.

**You feel sad when your girlfriend dies, usually. But this was an unusually time. So Ron was not sad. He was actually really unsad. Because now he wasn't having an affair. But then he felt sad. Because he liked having an affair. So he decided to have an affair with Parvati. If you want to read the story of Netective Ron **(yes I can spell-he is a nut detective)** and Lavender. Please go back to the beginning and substitute all 'Hermiones' to Lavender; Grangers to Brown; Tree to Nut; and Book to Pie. And that my fat children, is the end, **well not really the end. This is only like 5 pages of a 96 page book. But guess what! ("What!") You can use your imagination! And pretend that this has been 96 pages, so close your eyes and…**THE END.**

**Alternative ending **(for Netective Ron and lavender)

**Ron had never really like lavender much. So he ate the nut. Because almost everything in this world is edible, even me. But that, my dear fat children, is cannibalism. And is frowned upon in most societies. THE **(real actual**) END**

(Even though it's still only 6 pages)

This story was made possible by the consumption of a large amount of sugar. We would like to thank everyone else who made this possible. Including J.K. Rowling for allowing us to use her characters in this…interesting…story. 


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